Forever a small fish in a big pond

Saturday 10 February 2018

Body confidence

People seem to think that because I accept my body it means I'm body confident. Everyone always comments on how brave I am. How strong. But I'm not. I accept my size. I accept that I will always be small, but that's it. I accept it yes, but confident? I don't think so. 
I've been a dancer for 16 months now and I still remember it clearly.... the first day I walked into the studio, the studio that was ceiling to floor in mirrors. I could barely even look. Every time I did I felt sick. And there wasn't a makeup product to fix it.

Before starting college I used to feel like every aspect of me had to be perfect. My make up had to be on fleek... My hair had to fall into place. My stomach had to be flat, everything had to be perfect- perfect to make up for what wasn't perfect. I thought if I gave this world no opportunity to body shame me for the stereotype features then perhaps they would see past the obvious. I soon learned otherwise. I could be the most stunning girl in the world and all they seem to see is the body I live in which they will never grow to accept... It doesn't matter what else I do. After realising this my attitude changed and I started to let myself go a bit- what was the point. If I'm gonna get mocked anyway, then who's the effort for? So I stopped working out. I stopped doing my skincare routine, I stopped keeping my hair healthy and no longer bothered with makeup. My diet fell off track- adding to my already long list of health issues. But who cares. Well if they're gonna laugh anyway- what's the point of trying? 

But hang on, why am I trying for them? What right do they have in my world? What part have they played, other than making my life hell and as a result causing me to do the same? Since becoming a dancer I've had to take more care of my body, the muscle strength I require in my routines means that I no longer can afford to treat my body with so little worth. I have to make an effort- but this time it's not for them. It's for me. 

If these last couple of years have taught me anything, it's that this world is never satisfied. I could have all those things, a flat stomach, hair that fell into place... I could have all that and all the world would see was that I'm 3ft 11 tall. But equally, I could be 6ft tall and all they would only see was the spots on my face or the one hair that wasn't in place. They will always find something. Something to pick at- something to mock. They will set their expectations and continue to move them.

Society sucks.

So why even try to please it? Why do we make ourselves so unhappy living by expectations and goalposts which forever continue to move? I learned the hard way that my life has enough limits without self-inflicting more upon myself. Okay so my stomach isn't flat, my hair doesn't all fall in place, under the foundation lies flaws, I have a long way to go- but I'm getting there and in the meantime, I'm leaving the life of needing approval. Why? Because Life's too short.

So eat the cake and dance like no ones watching. Embrace the flaws.... they're yours. No one else's.
Be an encourager....  the world has enough critics❤️

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