Forever a small fish in a big pond

Saturday, 16 February 2019

Easy, doesn't always mean happy

University is something that many people dream of, but for me it never really felt like a path I was ever going to walk. Since transitioning to secondary school in 2015 and having my whole world turned upside down.... I guess part of me has just eliminated the thought of ever experiencing another big change. But life has funny ways of working out, and after falling in love with an industry I never pictured myself in- I realised that maybe university was the way forward.

I'd like to think that since leaving secondary school and moving away from the challenges and difficulties that it faced me with, that I'd grown to be stronger, mature and even a little more resilient, but that still didn't take away the daunting feeling I was filled with during my application process. I remember my first open day- all my friends were the first to check out the bars, the clubs, the halls.... my attention however was on the simpler things, libaries, classrooms, canteens.... now don't be fooled, i'm not that much of a geek! I mean I was interested in all that of course, but I wasn't really paying attention to any of the academic stuff, instead my mind focused on door handles, light switches.... how many stairs each block had... how far each classroom was from the next.. I wanted to enjoy the process. I wanted to enjoy becoming a fresher and experiencing all things uni life would have in stall for me, but I knew what uni life had in stall would be a much bigger test than any exam I could ever sit. 

Fast forward to open day for university number four.. now this one was probably the best so far, I liked it a lot. The campus was beautiful. The course was incredible. The people seemed lovely. And all in all everything seemed in my reach. Perfect! Well.... almost..... yes everything was in touching distance but the same could not be said for the uni itself, it was quite a long way from home.... a two hour train journey in fact. It was bitter sweet. I had found the most perfect university. Somewhere I could see myself going. But I'd never been on a train before... I certainly had never travelled on my own. The transition to uni I had just about come to terms with.. but taking on the challenge of commuting just didn't seem thinkable!

University number five had everything that number four had.. the course, the campus.. and what was even better it was right on my doorstep. No trains. No commutes. I was so excited. This university experience actually seemed possible, nothing seemed as if it could be or cause a problem. Well expect for one thing.... I didn't love this one quite as much.. in fact I didn't love it at all, yeah the course seemed interesting, yeah the campus was kinda nice... but I couldn't see myself there, not really. Not like I had done before. I tried for three weeks to love it. I wanted to love it. I wanted to choose it. Because choosing it meant not having to open myself up to the world of challenges that commuting would give me. But I couldn't. 

So maybe I just wasn't cut out for university. Maybe I was right from the start when I thought of it as a path I would never walk... or maybe it was time I put my past behind me, time I took a leap out of my comfort zone... time I listened to my heart and not my body. But what would life have in store if I chose number 4?

Well there was only one way to find out.


Fast forward to now. Mid-way through second year in university that  had captured my heart from the very start. The one that in fact has made university life possible.. The last two years have  taught me a lot.. I have come to realise a lot... for example just how much of this world isn't built for someone who's almost 4ft tall! Ticket machines, automatic doors, card machines, train seats, train platforms... there's a whole world up there I've never had to venture into before. I sometimes get jealous. Jealous of my class mates, who come in at 9am feeling refreshed for morning lecture, when i'm already physically drained. Jealous of everyone who needn't give a second thought to the daily tasks that are made so daunting. Jealous that they can reach textbooks off the shelf without worrying about who they may ask for help..... I've cried a lot this year. Tears of frustration. Tiredness. Fear. Panic. But I've also laughed. A lot. Experienced a lot. Learnt a lot. And loved... a lot. Loved the new life I embarked on, the friends I gained, the memories I've made. And although some days I wonder how the heck i'm ever gonna get through. I'm grateful for the adventure. I'm grateful for everything that being a small student has taught me and everything it has built me up to overcome.

My life may have been easier had I made a different choice. But easy. Doesn't always mean happy. And happy is just what I'm making uni life to be!



                            









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2 comments

  1. Thank you for sharing this with me Danielle, such a beautiful blog! Life is about understanding oneself, to do that you have to have Will power, Courage & knowledge, which the majority of people lack, you have all three! Keep doing you my darling and you will reach the highest hights, I look forward to reading your next blog x

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