Forever a small fish in a big pond

Saturday 6 April 2019

Moving out

"Moving out"

Well, that's certainly two words I didn't think I would say... Not yet anyway, not now... and most certainly not as a university student. Growing up, the world was a scary place. And as a schoolgirl, home was the only place I felt safe. The streets were full of bitterness, the school corridors filled with bullies... I never wanted to leave home on the weekend, not even for 10 minutes. So how is it possible for me to leave for 10 months?

This was never part of my plan! 

When I applied for University 18 months ago, I insisted the halls weren't for me. The commute was enough, enough to almost make me not want to go, so you're kidding yourself if you think I was gonna add any more worry to my plate. And then when year 2's application came through, again I ticked the same box.

 [X] Living at  Home

In the craziness of uni life, home was the only normality, the only place that wasn't challenging me, I was already out of my depth... Working full time whilst studying a BA degree at a campus 2 hours away... I was exhausted, and of course, my body wasn't making this any easier. Six weeks before my final portfolio was due for year 1. When all my classmates sat frantically typing away in the library, I sat frantically in two hospital rooms, Injections, MRI scans, Physiotherapy... all these words fried my head more than any textbook could... Suddenly I was given so much more to learn about, all on top of the heavy modules I was already studying. I thought I was going to fail. In fact, I had convinced myself I had. There was no way I was capable, to add a professional degree into my mix. I cried. So much. My body had disappointed me. My body was stopping me. Stopping me achieving what I thought I could...... Well, at least that's what it felt like.

But to my surprise I scraped through- Then year 2 came, and again I spent another 3 months in and out of hospital rooms. It didn't feel fair. And it most certainly did not feel possible. My confidence was starting to fall, I told myself I didn't have the strength to go through the same battles again. But again, I did. And I started to realise... perhaps I was more capable than I had first thought.

So year 3 begun to creep up, and the third and final application came through... This was the final time I had to tick these boxes. This time was different to previous, the feelings were different. I was calmer. More in control. I had faced and overcome so much in the last few months, more than I ever thought I could, and because of that... the whole process felt like a breeze in comparison to what I had become used to. I didn't feel so out of my depth this time. And I also didn't tick the same boxes either... 


Why? This question is one that I have asked myself about 100 times a day! Why? Why now? Why, just when I was in control. Just when I had overcome what I had, just when I was managing to spin all my plates... I was learning to live the life I was given, and suddenly my decision had meant it was all going to change... More learning, more juggling... More fighting all over again.

Why? Well... Because I didn't fail. Because I wasn't out of my depth. Because I was managing. Because I was capable...

In the last 18 months, I was thrown hurdles I never thought I'd jump, But I did. And it was that, which taught me that anything is possible, even if you've told yourself for 12 years that it isn't. It is. If you really want it to be. I thought it was my body stopping me... From achieving what it was I wanted, but in reality, it was my mindset of believing it did. Yes, it still hurts. A lot. Everyday. But I can still do things. Things I've feared over the last year that I wouldn't be able to do. And sure things would be a hell of a lot easier if I stayed home, Safe. But if there's anything this last year has taught me is that you don't grow when you're safe. You grow when you're challenged. When you're tested. When you're doubted...When you're sat in A&E at 4am in the morning surrounded by the beeping of machines. That's when you grow.

You grow in the situations you never thought possible. You grow when you don't stick to your plan. You grow when you learn. When you spin plates.... and for me, I'll grow when I move out.

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