Forever a small fish in a big pond

Thursday 10 October 2019

Some days it sucks.

I'm a true believer in everything happening for a reason and that people are only dealt with what they have the strength and ability to overcome. Therefore, I try really hard to not moan, or complain about my hurdles, because I don't believe they are any harder or harsher than those faced, by anyone else... they are just different. 

That being said. Some days?

It sucks.

And no motivational saying or uplifting statement, can take away that feeling.

Some days it just frickin sucks. 

Being starred at on the street by strangers- sucks.
Not finding clothes to fit- sucks.
The aches and pains- Suck.
The hours sat in a doctors surgery. Suck.


For a while, I beat myself up for these feelings... and some days I still do.... after getting through such a dark time in my life as a teenager, when I hit 18/19 I thought right that's it now, adulthood... Life will be on the up form now. No more weaknesses, no more struggles. Only positivity. I thought I'd be the person who embraced life and saw the good in every situation, the one who had their sh*** together. Because as an adult isn't that what you do?

Yeah.... this lasted for all of a week maybe? Turns out being an adult, doesn't magically make any of your troubles go away, nor does it give you the ability to suddenly know how to deal with any of them? Just like no one told me how to feel as a child, no one told me how to as an adult either, and despite being "grown-up" I still was none the wiser.

Because as an adult, still, no one tells you how to feel when you're walking to work and someone who you don't know calls you a freak.
No one tells you how to explain to a child you work with, why they're taller than you and yet you are still the adult.
No one tells you how to cook when you can't reach the cooker, or how to go to the shops when half of the contents are above your head height.

or how to be an adult, in a body smaller than most children.

No one tells you any of this. You learn as you go, and with learning.... comes failing.... messing up.... breaking down.... with good days, come bad days.... and days where things just suck. When I first started this blog, I thought the only way to inspire people, was to show them a source of strength and positivity, something I needed when I was younger, but then I thought, actually what I really needed growing up, was real-life... to see that other people felt the way I did, that not everyone I saw on social media really had their life together in the way it was displayed- and in fact, everyone was just doing a good job of winging it as much as I was.


This isn't to say that next time you see a post on social media of someone who looks happy, you think "Nah they're faking it". Storm clouds come and go, some days can still be sunshine and rainbows even if other days you feel like you don't know how to swim.

I've yet to learn most of the lessons I had hoped to when I became an adult.
I still don't know how to feel when people call me names.
I still don't know the best way to answer a child when they ask "why"
I don't know the best way to do a lot of the things my tall friends do without a second thought.

Some days, I don't know how to be small. But you know what, that's ok. Because what I do know is that I'm not supposed to know. I'm not supposed to have the answers. That's ok. and if things suck some days... that's ok too! Storms pass, and with the bad days....good ones come along too.

So next time you see someone on social media, who is "doing better than you" or someone who "has it easier"... Just remember we're all in the same boat here. None of us were given life jackets... and no one got handed a manual either. We are all writing our own stories and like most authors I imagine, most of us are making it up as we go along. So you're allowed to scream. And cry. You're allowed the breakdown... Just don't unpack there. Stop for a while, allow the storm to fall, and then after... go dance in the rain... Because when we step back and look around, we may realise there's a lot, that perhaps doesn't suck after all.

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